


Pieces Of A Broken Life

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Insecurity, Isolation, Loneliness, Reflection, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-08
Updated: 2003-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:22:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22992391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Jonas, Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c, Janet and Hammond talk about Jonas and his time with SG-1.
Kudos: 9





	Pieces Of A Broken Life

**Please Tell Me How (Jonas on himself)**

I do not know what to do. It used to be so simple. Do what you were told and it pleased others. Do good work and it pleased others. I was born and trained to help defend Callonia from invaders; I’ve been used to following orders all my life. I’ve never had any true friends or family nor any life outside my profession. Coming to Earth I was so hopeful I could get just a little good out of all this but as time passes by I find myself growing more and more frustrated. I do not know what to do to please people; especially not the Colonel. Everything I do angers him and I do not know how to fix it. There should be a logical solution to this but I fail to see it.

I’ve lost everything I ever known to come here. All I want is someone, anyone to pretend they care for me…Just for a little while but I find that even pretend seems to be lacking. Everyone expects me to fill out Dr. Jackson’s shoes but I never wished that. I don’t wish to be compared to him. I liked Daniel a lot from the little I knew of him but I knew enough to know I can never be what he was for I am not him. Why can I not just be Jonas Quinn?

I really wish there was a manual that came with all this. Something, anything to help me in my choices and assist me in what I should do. I just want them to accept me; to like me…. To not dump me on some forsaken rock planet if they’re displeased with me. I wish I knew how to prove myself to them. This is worse than any school I was ever sent to. Every day feels like a test and standing next to the Colonel I feel like I’m always at exams. He looks at me with anything BUT kindness and nothing I do is ever enough. I work as hard as I can, as fast as I can…I don’t know what else to do and it’s driving me insane.

If I just knew how to act; the unknowing and frustration is killing me. Everything I do seems to annoy someone. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please…tell me what I shall do now since I cannot undo what was done, since I cannot change the past?

I know the ghost of Daniel still haunts around here. Not only does he haunt me with guilt, sorrow and regret but everywhere I go on base I get angry looks and I know what they’re thinking; I should have died instead of Daniel. They wished it had been me in there instead of him and I find…I should have been. I made a terrible mistake and as time passes by it looks like second chances isn’t something given much off around here.

**You’re Not Him! (Jack on Jonas)**

I could make up a lot of fancy cover stories but I was never much into that. The truth is plain and simple that Jonas is not Daniel and never will be. Every time I look at Jonas I’m reminded of Daniel and how he died and therefore also how I failed to save him. Daniel was a member of my team; I should have been there to protect him but I was not and that hurts and my hurt tends to roll into anger.

I guess if I have to be honest then I’m also angry that I can’t really pinpoint anything he does wrong. He’s always so eager to please and do everything right. He seems ready to do anything to gain people’s acceptance and love; he has a naivety and innocence that Daniel lost almost completely over the years and even if it’s mostly just annoying it reminds me of a very young Daniel…

Having Jonas on the team is like saying Daniel is not coming back and I’m not ready for that. Maybe if Daniel had really died and not Ascended I would be better at this but knowing Daniel is out there somewhere I’m left in limbo between grieving a lost friend and welcoming an old friend home; both things I cannot do. 

I never give him much of a chance, I blankly admit that but every time I see him I see all he’s not. I see that he’s not Daniel and I want Daniel back. I know my anger is unfair but so what? Life is fucking unfair; deal with it!

He’s just not Daniel!

**I Release You (Daniel on Jonas)**

I see you when you sleep. I hear your whispered prayers; I know why your eyes hold such sorrow. Not all of it is for me but a lot of it is.

I do not wish anyone to suffer because of me yet you seem determined to carry all blame and to punish yourself repeatedly for any fault you find in the universe. It was not your fault I died. I made a choice and I stick with it. I will see this through. I know you feel you failed and that you betrayed me but you did not. You are not military trained; you had never been in such a situation before. Of course you panicked; it would be unnatural had you not done so.

Jonas, please…Do not have nightmares, do not make anymore painful amends. Hurting yourself will not undo what was done. I do not blame you; I never did. I know Jack does but he always needs someone to blame and he always uses anger to cover sorrow and grief. I am sorry your life got so messed up because of me; I’m sorry you lost everything but please…Try and make it. Make my sacrifice worth it for it was also for you. I died for you as well as your people. Don’t forget that.

I cannot make others love you or care for you but I wish I could. You have the pure soul of a child; I can see it now. I fear you’ll lose it in time but for now I rejoice when I see it. Jonas, fight a little longer. Try and let go…Come on.

I release you of your burdens and your guilt. Do not blame yourself anymore for what happened to me. I’m not helping, am I? You cannot hear me and the way Jack and many of the others act you’re not exactly getting any help there…This is the frustrating part of being Ascended; not being able to help. I wish I could let you know…I release you of your guilt; I release you of my ghost.

**Lost In The Middle (Sam on Jonas)**

Daniel was like a little brother to me and no one can ever replace him in my heart. I know that Jonas is not trying to, he’s just happy for whatever little piece I choose to give him and his eagerness stabs me like a knife. I wish I could be more to him; he’s so alone and isolated but what can I do? Daniel’s ghost still lingers here and I have not been able to put him to rest. On top of it then I guess I’ve afraid of getting too close again after Daniel’s death. Hurt like that…I don’t know if I could go through it again.

I know you’re brilliant, Jonas; you have such hunger for knowledge that it amazes even me. I don’t doubt your abilities nor that you’re a good man but…I’m just not sure I can do this. I can reach out, a little, hesitantly, but it’s too soon. I know you need more; I can see it in your eyes. This must be killing you and don’t you think a smile can fool me; women can see through such masks a lot easier than men. I know you have a very sensitive soul and I wish you would just have some kind of mental defences. People are going to kill your soul if you keep being this naïve. I don’t want you to lose your childish edge; it’s so unique now a days but I don’t think I can prevent it and I know the Colonel is doing his best to insure you either break or stand tall. Trouble is…I don’t want you to change and certainly not to break but so far you seem to have a very hard time standing tall and I know no one is making it any easier with their doubts in you and your work.

I truly am sorry, Jonas. I wish I had more to give you but after having put so many lovers in the ground and then losing Daniel…I have little left to give and what little I have left of my heart I’m trying to preserve. You became trapped in the middle between Daniel’s ghost and what could have become something deeper and better than this casual friendship we have now…It’s not fair I know but I cannot change it. I truly am sorry I cannot give you more but my heart is not as strong as I wish it were.

**Silent Understanding (Teal’c on Jonas)**

He tries very hard to be everything anyone could ever expect of him. Jonas Quinn has shown amazing abilities over the months he has been a part of SG-1 but his self-confidence is as lacking as if he was a 4 months old baby. I can see Jack O’Neill’s distance and often almost angry attitude towards him hurts him and though Jack O’Neill is my friend I do not understand why his grief over Dr. Jackson should be taken out on Jonas Quinn, the only man on his entire planet who spoke up for him.

I do believe a lot of my quick friendship with Jonas Quinn is because of the similarities between us. He too is branded a traitor and **banished** from his home world under pain of death. The difference is that I have a chance to return one day when the last false God is defeated; Jonas Quinn can never return. His naivety and curiosity reminds me of how Dr. Jackson was when I first met him, before he became more warrior than scholar. However Jonas is a man in his own right and I do not wish to compare the two because they cannot be compared.

Jonas Quinn is a good man who would do anything to try and be accepted. This need for ties is understandable considering he has just lost everything he has ever known but his outgoing attitude is bound to get him in trouble. In many ways he reminds me of my son when he was younger; so fascinated with the world in general that he did not consider that it can be a very dangerous place. Dr. Jackson eventually learnt this lesson the hard way and it transformed him closer and closer into a warrior until his death. Jonas Quinn still has that childish naivety and innocence in him that Dr. Jackson lost more and more; it’s the first things you lose when in battle.

He is a good but very young and naïve man…I will make it one of my priorities to try and protect him from bodily harm when in battle…The emotional scars he wears I regret I cannot help heal. That he must do on his own. 

**All You Can Do (Janet on Jonas)**

You try too hard. Looking at you I’m reminded of my Cassie. Right after I had adopted her she felt she should repay me for whatever I did for her. If I took her to the circus she would make breakfast for me the morning after, if I brought her a present she would have the house cleaned by the time I got home from work. It took me two years before she came to understand that I really did want her and that she didn’t have to repay me for everything I did for her. She had lost everything dear to her and so has Jonas and it has left them feeling alone and vulnerable, needing us more than we need them.

I understand SG-1’s grief; I do. I cared for Daniel a lot too even if he was a very uncooperative patient. He was a great man but this should not affect Jonas. He’s a good and great man in his own right as well. I don’t like to compare people for every person is unique but I can see that all this has taken a lot out of him. If something doesn’t break soon, I fear for Jonas’s mental health. Losing ones home, being branded a traitor and having such difficulty finding new bonds…it’s not easy. Everything is alien to him and he has no one to teach him.

In many ways he’s too kind hearted and naïve for his own good. He’s living on a military base with men who have probably killed more people than he could possibly imagine. Still he trusts instantly and has a childlike way of approaching people, making him seem weak to such men. This combined with his civilian status and then being an alien has made him end up in my sickbay quite a few times with minor injures which, and I quote, was a result from ‘walking into a door’ or ‘falling down’. Yeah, right. From the start Daniel had Colonel O’Neill’s protection so even if he was a civilian none dared touch him, especially not after Teal’c had also made his protection clear. As time passed everyone, even military personal, began to accept Daniel but Jonas has not been so lucky. He’s in a vulnerable position because he has had very little military training, only the little he got here on Earth, he’s non military, he’s an alien so he doesn’t know what’s allowed and what isn’t, he’s afraid of displeasing people and saying no in fear he might be deported or even more disliked than he already is, he’s alone and isolated and Colonel O’Neill has made his displeasure with Jonas very clear. All this put together makes him an easy target for anything from cruel pranks played on his innocence and instant trust to directly trying to hurt him, knowing he’s too afraid of doing something wrong to ever rat anyone out. He’s so eager to please and too afraid to lose all he has just found. If Earth should send him away he would be lost and this fear sits deep in him and makes him act overly pleasing and work himself well beyond his limits in a desperate attempt to show everyone that he’s needed.

Jonas, sweetie, just be yourself. It’s all you can do. Believe me…if people would take their heads out of their...ahem, well, anyway then they’ll see what a wonderful person you are. Please…I don’t want more people I care for shipped off to a mental home somewhere because they have reached their breaking point and I know you must be coming close to yours. Please try to build some mental defences. You’re leaving yourself wide open for hurt in an open hunting season; you’re bound to go down in a blaze. Come on, Jonas…trust yourself…Just a little. I know it’s hard but you can do it. Just be yourself. Don’t be afraid.

**Smile, Just Smile (Hammond on Jonas)**

He always smiles. When I first met Jonas Quinn I thought he was just grateful to have found a safe place to stay but when the smile was still there months after I figured he was just very exhausted about all the new things he was experimenting or simply had a very positive attitude towards life. Now as I’ve had time to get to know him a little more I find it’s neither of those things.

The realisation of what he was truly doing hit me the other day. I had just spoken on the phone with an old army friend of mine which had made me remember some POWs we had guarded during the Korean War. I remember that they always smiled. In all the wars I’ve fought in all POWs have always had one thing in common; they smile a lot. To try and appear harmless, to try and be pleasing…out of fear and insecurity then they try to smile all the time. They don’t know what they’re allowed to do and what not and they fear a punishment of some kind if they do something wrong.

Things happened so quickly that I never once considered how the emotional ties in SG-1 must have suffered by Daniel’s death. We all still miss him and Jonas has the unfortunate honour to be compared to him at every turn and corner. Due to finances he even has to use Daniel’s old office and tools. I thought with time SG-1 would form a new bond, the bond of a family and though especially Teal’c seems taken with the young man Jack often seems more inclined to murder him himself than to save him. I guess with such complicated emotions rising on the team he’s on and given he was born and raised on a war torn planet it’s no wonder why he acts like a POW for in a way he is; if not of body then of mind. He’s trapped in Dr. Jackson’s shadow and seems unable to avoid it.

I look out the window of the command room and notice Jonas standing with Sam, Jack and Teal’c in the gate room and I don’t miss the fact that he’s standing to the side, closest to Teal’c but still obviously apart from the others. He seems to have sensed my eyes on him for he lifts his eyes to the glass and for a flicker of a second I see eyes filled with sadness and despair; then the mask falls back and he smiles. He raises his hand and waves a little insecurely at me; playing the role of the insecure and eager to please POW to a t. I wonder why I didn’t see it before; it’s so clearly there. Forcing a small smile of my own I give him a short wave before he enters the Stargate as the last one, not beside the others as the team used to do with Dr. Jackson.

Yes, son…Smile, keep smiling. It’s all you can do now. Try to pretend it doesn’t hurt so much; don’t let them see the pain you feel. Don’t give them that satisfaction. That’s good…

Smile…Just smile.

The End


End file.
